The book you've been waiting for!  Click here to order a copy!

Site search Web search
powered by FreeFind

navbar OAIM Home Page

Navigation Bar

The effects of the proliferation of pornography on society and the ready accessability is becoming increasingly devastating to society in general and in marriages specifically, at an increasing alarming rate. I have counseled an amazing amount of marriages that have been torn apart, and many leading to divorce, over this one single issue more than any other issue combined. It has effected even the most solid of marriages, which consist of pastors, elders, deacons, teachers and active church members, at about the same rate as other marriages.

Many reading this may wonder how that could be. We must remember that we are all humans and therefore subject to the same temptations. But the plain and simple truth is that it is occurring, and this is one reason for Open Arms Ministry. People can talk to someone about the most intimate and embarrassing situations that they cannot feel comfortable talking about with their pastors, counselors, their mates or family members in a face to face encounter. Many who have tried have faced condemnation and rejection for their attempts. I find this most disturbing because the very ones who Christians should be able to come to so often are the ones who turn them away. Much of this I blame on the newest trend, in many circles, the false belief that one can obtain sinless perfection in this life. For that to happen, it is an ever increasing effort to climb up the spiritual ladder, and any failure in not obtaining the next rung of success shows a lack of devotion and spirituality. This thought leaves no room for human weakness and ignores the fact that our very natures are corrupt and will be corrupt until it is finally and totally put to death only at the time of our literal physical death. I believe this is very clear in the entire seventh chapter of Romans where the apostle Paul sums up the entire discourse by questioning, (vs.24) “O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” and his answer (vs.25) “I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.”

Some may at this time say that this belief promotes sin and is giving a licence to sin, which of course it is not, because even those who believe we can obtain perfection in this life, fall into the same sins without a licence. This just confirms the fact we all have a sin nature and anyone at any given time can (and will) succumb to temptation at some point in our lives. And when that happens, who will you turn to? I can bet it will not be to someone who has condemned and rejected others who fell in the past (and perhaps you were one of those people who did such things). We believe in helping to restore Christians back into fellowship with the Lord and back to the body of believers by offering grace as we have received grace from our Father. We believe in speaking truth in love, mixed with compassion, forgiveness and understanding, free from condemnation and rejection. I believe this is what Jesus has taught us to do, and is in keeping with becoming like Christ. “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus...” (Rom. 8:1), “....and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out” (John 6:37).

Why Does Porn Have Such a Grip on So Many?

First, I believe it is because God created us as sexual beings, and with that being so, it is a natural desire to have an interest in sexuality. As having said this before in other articles, God created sexuality for the purpose of pro-creation and pleasure, and has blessed the institute of marriage between one man and one woman for the expression of our God-given desires. Defraud (deprive) ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency (lack of self control). (1 Cor. 7:5)

Secondly, I believe most problems begin in the area of sexuality not being expressed in the marriage bed by one partner or the other, and if this is a problem which may be occurring in your marriage, I believe it needs to be resolved as quickly as possible lest Satan tempt you.... If you happen to be the guilty party who is withholding from your spouse for a selfish reason (such as getting your way about something), then you are not entirely innocent if your spouse begins to look in other areas such as another person or turning to porn for what is lacking in the marriage bed. If you are withholding for the reason of lack of desire for sex with your spouse, you should look into reasons why that might be, such as possible sexual abuse in your past, an improper understanding of the role of sex in your marriage, excessive stress in the present, illness, etc. Spouses should do their best to make themselves available to each other and to meet each other’s needs in this area. After all, the wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his body, but the wife. (1 Cor. 7:4)

Thirdly, I believe the time is short and Satan has increased his effort to turn believers’ eyes away from the Lord and living in the Spirit, by appealing to the corrupt nature of the flesh and by using what God intended for marriage, and is perverting and distorting what He had intended for sexuality to be. Once the doors have been opened, it can become toxic, and there is no limit to where it all ends (Matthew 6: 22-23 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single (clear) thy whole body shall be full of light. But if thine eye be evil (foggy) thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great (terrible) is that darkness!) Viewing Porn (by its very nature) is self-gratification and leaves no room for the love or the pleasure of the partner.

Porn, the Opening of Pandora’s Box

Without getting embarrassingly graphic, anyone who has ever seen or observed heterosexual porn can readily see that the acts are degrading, even those acts of which many may consider straight sex. It’s obvious that each of the individuals involved are merely seeking their own pleasure. It is strictly for the self gratification of the individual. It is nothing more than the physical sex act, void of love and commitment and respect for each other, video-taped for the purpose of making money with the intent of being viewed by others. It is no longer sexual expressions between a married couple to be enjoyed in the privacy of their bedroom. This is bad enough in itself, but it never stops there. Self-gratification can never be satisfied; it can only lead to other acts in an attempt to satisfy what cannot be satisfied in a normal relationship between a husband and a wife, because love for the spouse is slowly being drained, and the focus becomes more and more on the satisfaction of self.

Generally, the next step is an attempt to bring into reality what one has been fantasizing about in watching the porn. (Although porn can be a trap for either males or females, it most often is something men struggle with. I will use this as the assumption here for clarification purposes, but understand that either spouse could be the one addicted to porn.) The spouse is usually the first “guinea pig”, and if the spouse doesn’t act and react in the way the ones shown in the porn video did, then she is a either a prude or doesn’t enjoy sexuality any more, which leads to more anger and frustration being vented towards the inadequate spouse, then suddenly it is she that is at fault for not satisfying his desires.

She may go along with some of the acts to begin with, but that is never enough. It always leads into more bazaar acts, and if she does no longer go along with it at some point, then more anger and blame is shifted to her. It just continues to intensify until a total breakdown of morals and a complete loss of love for her, and at that point, it is nearly impossible to reestablish a loving, normal relationship between the married couple. Much hurt and feelings of betrayal, guilt, confusion and violations of the marriage vows have been committed by the time one realizes what has happened in the more extreme cases. Extreme cases may include one or more, or all of the following.

1. An increased desire for things which would be considered out of the norm, an obsessive desire for oral sex, anal sex, or masturbation, coupled with a great lack of interest (or replacement) of penile/vaginal copulation. The key point here is that the desire for them take the place of penile/vaginal sex.

2. Suggestions of threesomes or group sex, which usually begin with requests of fantasies with someone other than your spouse. (This sometimes is even suggestions of involving an animal.)

3. The sex act becoming more aggressive and leading to pain and discomfort, or suggestions and acts which are degrading and humiliating to one or the other.

4. An increase of hostility towards the mate for not performing as he expects her to perform, usually in the form of insults and shifting of the blame. Criticizing, belittling, manipulating and attempting to control every aspect of his/her life. Usually tries to isolate him/her from having contact with friends and family.

5. Secretive about who his friends are and who he is seeing and talking to. Strange phone calls, letters, etc. and periods of time of which can not be accounted for from several hours to even days. Usually an increase in drug or alcohol abuse as well.

6. An increased interest in bi-sexuality, many times leading eventually into involvement with homosexuality.

(There are several other signs which may vary from situation to situation, but the above listed 6 things are the most prevalent.)

The only real answer is to watch for the warning signs and confront the offender at the very beginning, before it goes from Satan tempting to Satan having his claws firmly hooked into the offender. In the beginning stages, a real critical look at one’s self is essential. Were there things I could have done in the beginning which could have prevented it from going this far? Did I withhold from my spouse? Did we have a good open relationship and was our sex life satisfying to one another? Did I continue to love and respect my spouse the same as when we first met?

One who may find themselves in a situation such as this has to be careful to not blame themselves if it progresses into the more serious stages of porn addiction because each one of us has the responsibility to guard our own hearts and recognize when something is not of God. For those who have allowed porn to control their lives, they must have the willingness to repent and return to the Lord and to have the desire to reestablish the relationship in the marriage. If you have done your part and your mate is unwilling, then you are not at fault. Many times the one who has been violated by the porn being brought into the marriage has been convinced (by the violator) that she is at fault, and now lives in a world of guilt, confusion, and feelings of being inadequate and undeserving of love. In this way, Satan has accomplished his goal of using something which God intended for good to be used for evil, and rendering His servants to be ineffective in their service unto Him. God is in the business of putting broken things back together, and everything must be put back into His control, thus, once again, taking something which Satan intended for evil to be once again used for good.

This article is not written for the purpose of excusing the actions of Christians, but I sincerely hope that it does at least explain some of the “why’s”, and with this understanding, will help many to come back to the Lord, who will set the captives free once again.


For further reading on this subject, we recommend the book titled “Affair of the Mind” written by Laurie Hall.



©1998-2008 by OAIM
No portion of this site may be reproduced except for personal purposes without written permission from OAIM.






OAIM Main Page The history of OAIM Doctrinal Statement Site Map Staff